


but i can't handle it (when i turn off my nightlight)

by rubycrowned



Category: 1D - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-05-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:44:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubycrowned/pseuds/rubycrowned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn has always been a little in love with liam. and now it's time he told him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but i can't handle it (when i turn off my nightlight)

**Author's Note:**

> so i just had a really shit past 24 hours and writing is therapeutic to me.
> 
> sorry.

He just feels...

Sad.

A thousand other words and emotions flit through his mind. _Devastated, melancholy, shattered, depressed_. Filled with expression and meaning which the English nerd still residing in a close corner of his mind would love to embrace. But which don't quite seem to fit.

He's not distraught and it might feel a little as though it's permeating every cell of his body, including and especially those that ache a little in his chest every time he breathes but he's not broken.

Zayn's just...

_Sad_.

***

It's not a new thing. Anything but, even.

Zayn thinks he probably was a little in love with Liam even before they were friends. Fell a little more so as they edged steadily into the territory reserved for the best of friends and Zayn got to see just how brightly Liam could shine.

The genuine care he held for all those around him, and the crease which furrowed his brow when he became concerned that any of those people weren't as happy as he wished they could be.

The dorky giggle he would emit in equal measure after catching one of the boys in a prank he found hilarious or finding himself the recipient of such a trick or tease.

The delightfully sarcastic streak Zayn discovered Liam possessed under the layers of charm and sincerity and which never failed to startle anyone who didn't expect it, who didn't know Liam well enough to anticipate that beneath the politeness and the button-downs there's a tight, toned body which houses a teenaged boy just as filthy as the rest of them.

His eyes first, his smile second (because that's the order Zayn has always used to judge).

His embrace (warm, and safe, and never, ever close enough).

His everything (the good and the bad and the inbetween and it all added up to so much more than the sum of Liam's parts).

No, Zayn never tried to pretend to himself that he wasn't completely and embarassingly gone for Liam.

Just to everyone else.

***

The thing about emotions is that they're unpredictable.

And you can think you have a handle on them; that they've been there so long, simmering under the surface, and that's fine - they can stay like that because there's no point in giving them free reign because the happy ending you want is simply not a possibility.

But then Danielle leaves Liam.

Again. Except this time there's a sense of finality in the air that wasn't there before, when Liam was still left this shimmering glimmer of hope underneath all the damage and shaved heads and tattoos.

(when Zayn's own kernel of hope had been straining to be set free, only to be crushed underfoot)

And this time Zayn's feelings begin to rear their heads; rumble and boil under his skin like an itch he just can't scratch and which threatens to make him combust in the very best way whenever Liam's within arm's reach. Which is near always.

It's infuriating. And exhilarating. And Zayn is constantly torn between wanting to act on it, and preferring to remain on the precipice - where he can remain fuelled by adrenaline, but also knows he's safe, still behind the safety barrier.

Because there's the theory of telling Liam how he feels, and then there's the reality.

The theory goes like this.

Zayn tells Liam - and maybe it's not even a verbal thing, maybe Zayn just gets so fed up with the anticipation and finally plants one on Liam (and this time there's no doubt, no possible misinterpretation of his intent) - and Liam accepts with all the requited desire Zayn has been harbouring for years now. The previous girlfriends and mistakes and fears don't matter anymore. They're Zayn and Liam and the gaps between them are finally removed and Zayn doesn't really know what comes next but it tastes a little like forever.

The reality? It's a little more unknown.

And it's that which holds Zayn back from the edge. From taking that leap of faith.

Because he knows how he feels. And he knows that Liam considers him a friend, one of his best and most trusted and that might just be the worst part of it all.

Because it's that which part of Zayn wants to believe that will make this the easiest and most natural transition in the world. Which makes Zayn all but certain that the way he catches Liam looking at him some days, or the care in which he picks out Zayn's birthday gift, it all adds up to something more than sheer _friendship_.

But it's also the fact which leaves Zayn terrified and clinging to the cliff edge with all his might. Because what if he's misread all the signs. And what if confessing all not only loses Zayn his chance for what feels like the final puzzle piece slotting into place, but the friendship which he holds above almost all others.

What if he loses Liam altogether?

And then they announce another world tour. Another, before the first is barely begun.

And so many of the excuses Zayn had convinced himself to be reasons for keeping quiet were unravelling before him.

The ones where he couldn't because they had to work together and if only he could wait until they had a clear break and then it wouldn't be so bad because what if things went badly.

What if, what if, what if.

But it becomes startlingly clear to Zayn as they field questions at yet another interview, discussing their long-awaited concerts in Brazil, that a break is never going to happen.

They're worked to the bone, in every possible sense of the word, and a break is simply not something they're going to get.

The only thing still getting each of them through this life they simultaneously love and can't help but hate on the longest and worst days is, after all, each other. And the person who gives Zayn the most light, the most joy, the best chance of alleviating his scowl on those worst of days - it's always been Liam.

And it's almost instantaneous how rapidly it becomes impossible for Zayn to not want to share that with Liam; let him know how much he means and how Zayn would give him infinitely more if only Liam would have him.

He's not sure if the butterflies in his stomach are excitement or just his stomach threatening to vomit.

***

It was alright the morning after.

Zayn could almost pretend the previous night had all been a dream, had it not been for the texts on his phone to and from Harry in the early hours of the morning (always there, understanding intrinsically what Zayn needed, and he might be a pain in the arse some days, but Zayn wouldn't trade him for the world, anymore than he could the other lads, or his own heart).

And it was a relief, that nothing had seemed to change between them, when that had been Zayn's biggest fear, the thing that had underlied all of his hesitation to broach the subject before now.

Surely he should be pleased.

But that afternoon, when the others head out to explore, and Zayn pleads fatigue, a headache, unable to deal with the screaming sure to follow them. When Niall hollers a final farewell behind him with the shutting of the bus door, promising to bring him back a taste of whichever speciality this city is known for, the exhaustion hits him like a train.

All the enjoyment he'd genuinely had in the day leading up to then falls away and Zayn doesn't feel like he was lying anymore when he begged off for fatigue.

Intellectually, he knows he's going to feel better, that this is just the after affects of the knowledge that the feelings he's harboured for so long were all unreturned. That the future half-built in stone in his mind had crumbled to dust.

He knows this feeling isn't forever, and that he's going to find someone else, someone he deserves, now that he can open his eyes to looking once more.

For now though. For this afternoon.

Zayn's allowed to feel sad.

***

"What are you reading?"

Zayn's voice cuts through the quiet in the dark lounge of the tour bus; the only light coming from Liam's iPad where he's rugged up on the sofa.

"New Hawkeye comic. You're not asleep yet?"

It's later the same day as Zayn's revelation of sorts - or very early the next day, more accurately. Everyone else had headed for bed half an hour or more ago, but Zayn padded back out in pyjama pants and a stretched out t-shirt he thinks might have once been Harry's after the others had climbed into their bunks with tired 'goodnights' echoing around the walls.

"Neither are you," he points out, "and I wondered if maybe we could talk for a minute?"

He can just make out Liam shifting on the sofa slightly, light all but disappearing as the tablet falls face down on Liam's chest.

"'Course," Even in the dark, Zayn can make out Liam's frown, "You want me to turn the light on?"

"Nah," Zayn rushes out, maybe too fast, "I think it might be easier in the dark." He doesn't think he could handle watching Liam's considerate eyes boring into his, just in case they don't reflect the same thoughts Zayn verbalises.

He wraps his arms around his knees, sitting on the soft carpet near where Liam's head is resting on the sofa, twisted to face Zayn.

"So," he begins quietly, "we've been friends for ages now, right, Li?"

"Well, yeah? 'Course we have," Zayn can hear the question in Liam's voice, wonders if he already knows where this conversation is going.

"Well...lately I've been thinking, right," Deep breath. This is it. He's actually doing this. "I've been thinking, maybe, Ilikeyouasmorethanjustafriend."

Silence.

_Shit_.

"Fuck I knew this was going to be awkward," he tries to backtrack, to minimise the damage he's clearly already done, and why exactly did he think this was a good idea? "Don't worry, just, we can pretend this conversation never happened if you don't-"

"I- I don't know how I feel," Liam finally speaks, and he's a little faint, a little more hesitant than Zayn's used to and- "I don't know what to say, I guess. I just- I don't know how I feel."

Zayn's world isn't crumbling around him. It's not.

"Just with, you know, Danielle and everything, and I really don't know how to feel about this when I haven't even been able to think about a relationship right now, let alone look for one."

It's not.

"It's fine," he hears himself say, not sure yet if it's a lie.

"You're one of my best friends, you know?" Liam tells him.

"I know." He does. "You're mine too - I don't want to wreck that because of this."

"Neither," Liam whispers, "God I'm friend-zoning you so hard." And they both chuckle nervously for a second because how the hell do you have this conversation when it isn't the one Zayn was preparing for?

"I just honestly don't know how I feel about this when I- it just feels like too much to think about."

"Are you okay?" And Zayn's not sure that it's _him_ that should be asking _Liam_ this right now, but asking him not to be protective over Liam's wellbeing is like asking him to quit smoking; he could probably do it, with great determination, but it'd feel like he's dying to try do so.

"I try not to think about it too much. I don't know. Sometimes I think I smile because it's just easier than it is to have to look too closely and have to talk about it."

How exactly did Zayn end up being the one who feels guilty in this conversation? And well, shit, because he's been trying to look out for Liam and he knew he wasn't completely _happy_ yet after his break up, but he didn't think he was this _unhappy_ still.

"How do you feel?" Liam interrupts the silence.

"What- about this? Us?" _Or not, as it seems to be_ , Zayn mentally adds.

Liam murmurs his agreement.

"Eh," he tries to dismiss it, because, really, what did Zayn expect, when it came down to it, "I'll be fine. It's out there now, and you don't- and Danielle and-" Zayn swears he used to be somewhat eloquent, "I'll be fine."

"I feel like that's a bit of a cop out, me blaming it all on Danielle though...it's not as though I- but I just don't know-"

"You're allowed to say, no, Li," and maybe Zayn's heart is splitting a little but he's not going to force his best mate into loving him.

"Still feel a bit shit 'bout it, though," Liam mumbles, reaching a hand in the murky darkness to find Zayn's head, running his fingers through it in the soothing way he's always done - this time an apology.

"'S'alright." At least he hasn't choked up; Zayn can still leave with some dignity. "Getting the head-pat of friendship, am I?"

Liam chokes out a laugh, "Shit, yeah, guess so," and he's floundering enough that the surge of affection that has Zayn wanting to pull him in and kiss him is still there, and it might take a while for that to go away. He might miss it, if he's being honest.

He sighs, and pushes Liam away. Moves to stand.

"I should go to bed, then."

"Yeah, 'kay."

It's quiet again between them, and Zayn hopes it doesn't stay that way, that Liam meant what he said about not wanting this to wreck them.

"Wake me up in the morning, Zayn? We can watch that copy of the new Star Trek Louis downloaded before we reach the next city?"

Maybe they'll be okay.

"Yeah, alright. 'Night, Liam," Zayn murmurs, hand on the doorway heading to the bunks.

"'Night, Zayn," Liam answers, adding without pause, "Love you."

Zayn isn't quite sure if his face is in a smile or a grimace, but it's only a second before he responds, his back to Liam.

"Love you too, Li."

***

**Author's Note:**

> how much of this was actually my night yesterday is for me to know and you to speculate.


End file.
